Evil Wears a Smile

I am always in two minds... I want to talk to you but I don't. I want to tell you everything, but then again, I don't want you to know how vulnerable & alone I feel. My behaviour has been erratic, working through all these emotions is so hard; harder than any other thing I've ever had to deal with so far. Loving you was the best & the worst. Showing my inner heart, opening up to you with all my desires, faults & insecurities, just brought the exact opposite of one hopes when they show these deepest places of secrecy & darkness to the light.

I can't believe how this betrayal has affected me, can't believe my crazy moods, thoughts & uncharacteristic behaviours. I'm not going to apologise, because I am grieving for something I lost. I feel betrayed, yet I yearn to forgive everything just so I can have one last smile from you, one last sleep next to you, one last day when I am your everything. All day beside you doing our favourite things, being happy in our own company. I don't even have my best friend's shoulder to cry on because it's your shoulder!

I don't know if I should wait, I want to wait for you, wait for you to realise the magic you have thrown away. But, then I don't, I know I'll just be waiting for more of the same thing to happen. Waiting for more sabotage, more selfishness, more devaluation, more sarcasm, more impatience, more gas lighting, more silent treatment, more ghosting, more ignorance, more manipulation, more projection, more tantrums, more indifference & more lies...always the lies.

Thankfully, now awake, I realise you are completely incapable of anything but all these things. You will never fill the void in your heart with anything but fake, throw away objects - including the others your profess to love. Enjoy your mind-fucking for the mere breadcrumbs of attention you receive for you will never know true happiness. Ever